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Add you quote in here #http://www.grutz.com.au/wisdom.htm We reserve the right to arm bears. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong. #Donated by Tubal Cain Tough times don't last - Tough people do! Add you quote in here http://www.grutz.com.au/wisdom.htm #http://www.grutz.com.au/wisdom.htm No legacy is so rich as honesty #Shakespeare A friend is a gift you give to yourself #Robert Luois Stevenson LUCK....... Stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge #Russ Hubbard There's no good in being backward about comming forward My daughters school put on Hamlet I had to pay to attend this tragedy. A good reputation is something you must pay for, but you can never buy #Guru Stu If you are going nowhere, any road will take you there I'D Rather Be In The Wilderness...Canoeing. #Tom S. Jackson Make yourself necassary to somebody. #R.W.Emerson Move your meat lose your seat. Well-timed silence is the most commanding expression. Remember you are unique... just like everybody else!! #Guru Stu How can I miss you if you don't go away? Two beer or not two beer? #Youri Kravatsky Life is free... It's the shipping and handling that costs!! #Guru Stu It isn't how long or deep you fish...it is how you wiggle your worm! People who feel good about themselves produce good results! #from One Minute Manager book It never rains but what it pours and I think lightning just struck the outhouse. Success is an expression,not an achievement #Guru Stu Should I shot myself now or wait till I get home. #Marc Only the lead dog in the pack gets a change in scenery. #Steve Hazard Reality is frequently inaccurate. --Douglas Adams #Donated By Scott Olsen God is real, unless declared integer #Bharath Narayan You know you're getting old when you stoop down to pick something up and you look around to see if there's anything else you can do while you're down there. If you continue toact as you have always acted and if you continue to see as you have always seen you will continue to get the results you always had! Love contains is a slight advantage on a person but emotion widens yourlead by miles. In life, as in death - always follow the light #kafipa Ideas are a dime a dozen. People who put them into action are priceless. #Brian Klock Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. Time is fun when you are having flies! #Kermit the Frog A sunset is not an ending .... but a pause before a new beginging #Eagle Physicalness proves nothing in a world of words, but words can prove anything, anywhere #Seth Two Reads don't make a Write #P. Garrison Everyone is ignorant, just on different subjects. -Will Rogers #Scott Ledbetter You can't always be the best but, you can be the best dressed. #David Isgett Emotions will make you blind. #Stephen Babcock Living well is the best revenge. If God wanted women to bowl he would have placed their breasts on their backs to give us something to watch while waiting our turn! - Al Bundy #Obi Steen Kenobi Few are lucky enough to catch a bolt of lighting, fewer still are those strong enough to hold on. Life is like a roll of toilet paper it's long and useful. #Jim Bob Life is banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death." #Kristin Peck Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy If more politicians used the word "groovy" the world would be a much nicer place! #Sean Hunt ...And he would have shot him then and there, but pity stayed his hand. 'It's a pity i'm out of bullets...' #Bored of the Rings, National Lampoon There are no lunatics, only eccentrics. #Sean Hunt When one door closes and you seem that you're stuck.. the good Lord opens a window. #Merle A.Niles The United States Supreme Court says that 3 people can keep a secret... If 2 of them use to work for the CIA #Ron Booth Come see muh an' come live wid muh ..is two different t'ings. I prove dat. #ManBarbados It is not death if you refuse it...It is if you accept it #James O'Barr The best inspiration is not to outdo others, but to outdo ourselves. #Dave Wright It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her !! What the mind is full of, the mouth runs over with. #Evelyn Wunderly The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel #Horace Walpole Most dangerous people don't look that way. #FreeJack Find a job that you like, and you do not need to work for the rest of your life. Compassion comes from within, but can only be seen when given to another #Guru Stu Me and time and tide wait for no man. Enlightenment comes from knowing it's okay to be dumb! #Guru Stu Too many people are ready to carry the stool when there is a piano to be moved. A gentle stream can split a mountain, if given enough time #Guru Stu You can't have everything...Where would you put it? Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead Life is only a joy ride for those that enjoy the ride #Guru Stu Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocore minds. - Albert Einstein #Donated by Beth Gold Leadership is great because I make the decision and others do the job. #Donated by CC KENG A truly wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn. I am a great believer in luck, the harder I work, the luckier I get. #Donated By Donald Rail If it doesn't kill you, it strenghtens you. #Donated By Erik William Keup Remember if the Ladies don't find you handsome, They should at least find you Handy. Love, luck, and lolly-pops are all you'll ever need #Donated by Alicia The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. #Donated by Michael Hight Nobody misses a slice off a cut loaf! #Drew Fleming To acheive, all you have to do is just believe. #Donated by Brian Mcknight ...beware the fury of a patient man... #Tom Clancy Common sense isn't. Either its over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do. World peace equals global domination. #Todd Uzzell I don't have to drink to have a good time.... ....but I drink to have a better one. That evil exists there is no doubt but is trying to get in or trying to get out? Learn something everyday and the World will be a better place. A woman's sword is her tongue she takes care not to let it rust. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. #Brian You never make a smart mistake. To err is human, but to really mess things up you need a computer. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. Add you quote in here http://www.grutz.com.au/wisdom.htm #Donated by Dougal Plummer A banker is a person who lends you an umbrella when it is dry and asks for it back when it starts raining. Fight for the right to pretend to work. They say garbage can be made into fuel. Why not? It's already being made into movies, books and TV shows. Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in the year. We can't do everything at once, but we can do something at once. A yawn is a silent shout. Celebrity: A person that works hard to become famous, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised. He who hesitates is bossed. There are two classes of people: Those who divide people into two classes, and those who don't. Fear is an illusion. Desk: A waste paper basket with drawers. To be wise and love exceeds Man's might. Shakespeare Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle. Common sense is that collection of prejudices aquired by age eighteen. Einstein. If you never lie, you don't have to remember anything. I used to be conceited but now I'm absolutely perfect. To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. The only time you realise you have a reputation is when you fail to live up to it. Babies speak in many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand. Some think football is a matter of life and death. I can assure you it is much more serious than that. If people looked like their passport photos, very few nations would let them in. The amateur is the one with all the answers. Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples habits. If you laid all the economists in the world end to end they'd never reach a conclusion. Living in the past has one thing in its favour - it's cheap. A poor excuse is better than no excuse at all. If you don't take care of your customer, someone else will. #donated by Roger Pallant He was a bold man that first ate an oyster. If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem. Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the reverse. Any given program will expand to fit all available memory. Predestination was doomed to failure from the start. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes and no. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. Silence is not always golden; sometimes it is yellow. The believability of the printed word is directly proportional to the thickness of the covers in which it is bound. #donated by David Myer He that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent. The hangman let me down. A long dispute means that both parties are wrong. Home is where the television is. The postman bringeth and the garbo taketh away. Think! Middle age is when wherever you go you take a jumper. An adult is one who has ceased to grow vertically but not horizontally. A man's mother is his misfortune, his wife is his fault. If you want the last word in an argument, say 'Yes your right'. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Where there's a swill there's a sway. Any fool can criticise, and many of them do. It was as colourful as a black hole... The man who lives in the past, robs the present. Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows 'em up. You know you've reached middle age when your exercise program consists merely of standing up. A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Nothing is so firmly believed as that of which we know least. I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either. Dad: A bank provided by nature. Yesterday I couldn't spell "computer programmer". Now I are one. Castles in the air cost a great deal to keep up. If whales are so damned clever why do they keep swimming near Japan? The easiest way to stay awake during an after-dinner speech is to deliver it. We should take sex off the TV and movie screens and put it back in the back seats of cars where it belongs. The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' - and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Little strokes fell great oaks. Chicken Little only has to be right once. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. Safecracker: One without tuna on it. Sceptics, may or may not rule, O.K. Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. Our customer's paper work is profit. Our own paper work is loss. If there were no clouds, we wouldn't enjoy the sun. Wine does not intoxicate men; men intoxicate themselves. Why should we do anything for Posterity? What's he ever done for us? Give sadists a fair crack of the whip. Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder. Remember that opportunity is a dare - not a door. A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Life is just one damned thing after another. God bless atheism. A good lawyer is a bad neighbour. Paradox: A truth standing on its head to attract attention. Utopia: 1987 wages, 1932 prices, 1910 taxes. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. What is moral is what you feel good about after. If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic. #donated by Garnish Haspoth The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the oil. Sometimes it gets replaced. You can't tell a book by its movie. Fortune is like the market, where many times, if you can stay a little, the price will fall. If they give you lined paper, write across 'em. Mediocrity is excellence to the mediocre. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of absolute poverty. The existence of a market does not guarantee the existence of a customer. An elephant is only a mouse built to council specifications. Old fishermen never die. They just smell that way. There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog's legs are edible. Psychologists say people with hobbies are not likely to go crazy - but this doesn't apply to the people they live with. He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck. Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance. The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately. Dieting is when the days seem longer and the meals shorter. Inflation rates testify to the worldwide popularity of wishful thinking. I don't mind going to work. I don't mind coming home. It's the bit in between that I don't like. Waterbeds are cutting down the incidence of adultery - ever tried to crawl under one? Have you ever noticed that wrong numbers are never busy? I base everything on the idea that all men are basically just seven years old. #donated by Jacque Meggs As knowledge increases, wonder deepens. They think I'm paranoid. They all talk about it behind my back. When I did well, I heard it never. When I did ill, I heard it ever. Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one. If at first you don't succeed, have you considered becoming a personnel officer? The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more. Take as much as you want, put back more than you take. #donated by Seth Prokop I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. I can resist everything except temptation. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. He made no friend who never made a foe. Work expands to fit the time available for its completion. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. The secret of being a bore is to tell everybody. Dogmatism is puppyism come to its full growth. A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist. Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK. Wisdom is not knowing what to do now, but what to do next. The price of justice is eternal publicity. He who possesses most must be most afraid of loss. The writing on the wall usually means there's at least one small child in the family. "Hamlet" is just a bunch of quotations strung together. OK, so I'm cured of schizophrenia, but where am I now when I need me? It is true that liberty is precious - so precious it must be rationed. Death is hereditary. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens. Procrastination will rule one day, O.K.? A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for. An election year is the time politicians want to help us out of all the trouble they got us into in the first place. The longest day soon comes to an end. Nothing you put in a banana split is as fattening as a spoon. Some days the only good things on TV are the vase and clock. One thing men can't understand about women is how well women understand men. There is a better way to do it. Find it. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it. A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing. Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. A Scottish gift: "It's nae use to me, ye're welcome to it." The future is now. Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster! Everybody thinks himself well-bred. Home is where, if you have no place to go, they gotta take you in. When all else fails, read the documentation. The absent are never without fault, nor the present without excuse. He does not believe that does not live according to his belief. All sunshine makes the desert. I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I I used to use cliches all the time but now I avoid them like the plague. How can I know what I think until I hear what I say? You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you have something. The grass is brown on both sides of the fence. Hari-kiri takes some guts. The public servant's motto: It's slower to do it quickly, It's more expensive to do it cheaply, And it's more democratic to do it in secret. What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare?. Ejukashun never dun me no good. Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. A person's character is but half formed till after wedlock. Money is not everything, usually that isn't even enough. A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. When you go to buy, never show your silver. Apathy: never mind over don't matter. I don't make jokes - I just watch the government and report the facts. Guarantee: A legal vehicle which expires on the same day as your mechanical one. The urgent always crowds out the important. Several excuses are always less convincing than one. Women's libbers should be put behind bras. It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees No one ever sat their way to success A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. You can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. We must believe in luck, for how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? Don't vote. You'll only encourage them. Everyone wants a bus service to their door, but no one wants a bus service in their street. Ben Lexcen only went to school for three years, so he never learnt that some things are impossible. The only things to regret are the things you never did. Remember, it's as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman. Knowledge is power. I think sex is better than logic but I can't prove it. Be alert. Your country needs lerts. To get a loan from a bank you have to first prove that you don't need one. Impossible: Something that nobody can do until somebody does it. What's apathy? I don't know, and I don't care. It was as dark as the inside of a cabinet minister.... There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. The only thing most people do better than anyone else is read their own handwriting. The golden age never was the present age. If you can actually count your money, you are not really a rich man. Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Don't be the first to use it: pioneers live in mud huts. Vote Anarchist. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to someone else. Guy Fawkes where are you now that we need you? The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark". Law may not change the heart, but it can restrain the heartless. If your feeling down, just remember that the sun sinks every night - but it raises again in the morning. A statesman is a politician ten or fifteen years after he's dead. The welfare of the people is the ultimate law. Tomorrow is cancelled due to lack of interest. The decision is maybe and that's final. Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one. No man goes before his time. Unless, of course, the boss leaves early. How will I know if I'm enlightened? It had only one fault. It was useless. On the day of victory no fatigue is felt. I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me. I wouldn't be paranoid if people didn't pick on me. He that is afraid to shake the dice will never throw a six. There is a sufficiency in the world for man's need, but not his greed. It is impossible to make things foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. If all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work. #donated by Cliff Lemmings A taxpayer is someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government. You can't buy happiness - but at least if you have money you can be miserable in comfort. The kids who believe in Santa Claus are the ones who grow up and play the horses. What do you get if you cross a turtle with a chicken? I don't know, but you have to saw the eggs open. The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children more awful than your own. Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't. Snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position. Expert: Someone that takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. You know you're in a recession when your neighbour's out of work. You know you're in a depression when you're out of work. You know you're out of the depression when Bob Hawke's out of work. A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue, so he can get around it. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. Old teachers never die. They just lose their class. Many men fancy that what they experience they also understand. Happiness is not what you experience but what you remember. Make your M.P. work - don't re-elect him. He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky. There is always one more bug. It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. They can conquer who believe they can. Whether you believe you can, or believe you can't, you are right. The camel is a horse designed by a committee. My Uncle Fred died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate the poor bugger. A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way. A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence. An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his doctor does. If you can't beat them with brains, baffle them with bull. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men had scrambled eggs for the next four weeks. One of the times when silence annoys is when the car engine won't start. Northern Ireland has a problem for every solution. Remember that this is the recession that we had to have. Paul Keating. #donated by B. Hawke All good things come to those who DON'T wait. Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it. It is now proved beyond all doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. The cops are ALWAYS around when you DON'T want them. He who is over-cautious will accomplish little. What did the Irishman call his pet zebra? Spot. I hate to spread rumours, but what else can you do with them. The Liberal Party is the cream of society. Thick, rich and full of clots. Truth is a rare and precious commodity. We must be sparing in its use. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility - there are so few of us left. Progress is like a wheelbarrow - if you don't keep pushing it stops. Why is it that political leaders don't seem to have all the answers until they write their memoirs? I thought I'd taught my son right from wrong, until he became a parking inspector. All human acts involve more chance than decision. In a world of individuals, how can there be comparisons? #donated by Jason McQuoid Within every problem hides the solution. If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins. Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. Fools rush in where fools have been before. It is difficult to win an argument when your opponent is unencumbered with a knowledge of the facts. Always look for the calculations that go with a calculated risk. As God as my witness, I am innocent - But he won't be there at the committal proceedings. We are cold to others only when we are dull in ourselves. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. A teacher is someone who, in their youth, admired teachers. Love is a mirror.#Donated by Seth Prokop You are only what you are when no one is looking. Suppose they held a war and nobody came? Hitch your wagon to a star. Democracy rules 40% OK, 45% NO, 15% Don't know. A lost property office is for people to return things they find and don't want. Have a lovely day, dear friend. Nihilism means nothing to me. Save energy - be apathetic. Pseudo-intellectual: One who knows what "pseudo" means. Killing the dog will not cure the bite. Add you quote in here http://www.grutz.com.au/wisdom.htm #Donated by Dougal Plummer Education: What is left after you have forgotten everything you've been taught. Solicitor: A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you. There never was a good war or a bad peace. He who throws dirt loses ground. Research is an organised method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have. A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer. If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky-diving. Economist: One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent it. Objectivity is in the eyes of the beholder. A promise made is a dept unpaid. A stitch in time saves embarrassment. If at first you don't succeed, try again - then give up, no sense in being a damn fool about it. In six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them - he was self-employed. I think, therefore I am. I think. Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge. Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. I am not aware that any community has the right to force another to be civilised. #donated by Jason McQuoid Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. Fortress: A female fort. Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. If you want to walk the streets safely at night, carry a projector and the slides from your last holiday. In good software, the simple things should be easy, and the complicated things should be possible. Keep things as they are. Vote for the Sado-Masochist Party. In defeat he was indomitable, in victory insufferable. What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered. A political leader must keep looking over his shoulder all the time to see if the boys are still there. If they aren't still there, he's no longer a political leader. A statesman is what politicians call themselves. Credit Card: What you use to buy today what you can't afford tomorrow while your still paying for yesterday. When the rich wage war, its the poor who die. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. The city is not a concrete jungle, its a human zoo. Happiness is contagious The shortest distance between two points is under repair. If the first person who answers the phone can't answer your question, it's a bureaucracy. An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Foot: A politician's pacifier. Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists charge the rent. The Basic Law of Budgets: You can only spend it once. Don't confuse me with the facts - my mind is made up. A committee. When all is said and done, 90% is said, and 10% is done. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning. Doctor: The only person that enjoys poor health. What's the difference between parliament and a kindergarten? A kindergarten has adult supervision. We live behind our faces, while they front for us. Gossip: Something that runs down more people than cars. Guy Fawkes was the sanest man who ever went into the Houses of Parliament and look what happened to him. The right to be left alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. It is better to live rich than to die rich. Never let your studies interfere with your education. Synonyms govern, all right. Eunuchs unite - you have nothing to lose. The way to get things done is by not worrying about who gets the credit for doing it. If you keep your mouth shut you'll never put your foot in it. The long weekend was created because it's impossible to cram all the bad weather into two days. Computers have made it possible to make a thousand mistakes every second. Our characters are the result of our conduct. Aristotle Bigamist: A man that leads a double wife. Thanks to the rising cost of living, I'm now starving on the income I once dreamed about. Queen Elizabeth rules UK. There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people. We're overpaying him, but he's worth ever cent. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people they think it's their fault. #donated by Annabelle Gris Blessed he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. Man is planned obsolescence. There is a theory which states that if anyone ever gets to understand the universe and how it works it will immediately be replaced by something even more bizarre and mysterious. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognise it. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. The closest I came to perfection was when I wrote my Resume. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Genius is patience. Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. Free Speech: Using someone else's telephone. Support your local taxidermist. Get stuffed. If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you don't have to work. Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair. Well done is better than well said. When I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking. One man with courage is a majority. No nation is so poor that it cannot afford free speech. Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible? Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. In the long run we are all dead. Prepare to meet thy God. (Evening dress optional) They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance. Murphy's best friend was a computer. #donated by Tsu-pei Chen Laziness is no good unless it is well carried out. Love built on beauty, soon as beauty dies. If a job's worth doing, the Japanese have probably already done it. Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat. A commuter is one who never knows how a show comes out because he has to leave early to catch a train to get him back to the country in time to catch a train to bring him back to the city. No two persons ever read the same book. Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. #donated by Ksenon Prokop It's okay to miss your first wife as long as your aim is improving Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf. An independent is the guy who wants to take the politics out of politics. A dirty book is seldom dusty. Streakers beware - your end is in sight. No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. We call our baby 'Coffee' because he keeps us awake all night. Geography is everywhere. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Hollywood: The place where the inmates run the asylum. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good cover up. We all are born mad. Some remain so..... The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. To know where you can find a thing is the chief part of learning. The government claims it's following the will of the people. I didn't even know we'd died! Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Increased profits mean more work for everyone. You can't think rationally on an empty stomach, and a lot of people can't do it on a full one either. There is just one thing I can promise you about the space program; your taxes will go further. Golf is a good walk spoiled. Good-nature and good sense are usually companions. Life is a hereditary disease. Down with gravity. Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honour of a critic. And in the end the love you take, is equal to the love you make. #donated by Fennis Prokop The fundamental solvency of a company is inversely proportional to the opulence of its head office. Legalise telepathy. - I knew you were going to say that. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. A man is only as old as the woman he feels. Envy is an admission of inferiority. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. The history of the world is a record of man in quest for his daily bread and butter. The rising tide lifts all the boats. The highest reward for a person's effort is not what they get from it, but what they become by it. #donated by Hamish Robertson Thank God I'm an atheist. Anybody who has any doubt about the ingenuity or the resourcefulness of a plumber never got a bill from one. Old men are dangerous. It doesn't matter to them what is going to happen to the world. Friends may come and friends may go but enemies accumulate. The money saved for a rainy day now buys a smaller umbrella. Those who think money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money. Among the runners finishing last was an older man wearing a T-shirt that proclaimed 'Abominably Slow Man.' Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet first. Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognise them. Only the young die good. To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the popularity of Dogs. I couldn't care less about apathy. James Bond rules OOK. Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family. You cannot fight against the future. Time is on our side. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be kept by understanding. Einstein I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Contemplating suicide? Drink French polish. Horrible death, beautiful finish. Old plumbers never die. They just go down the drain. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. If you drop a jam sandwich onto the floor, the probability of it landing jammy side down is directly proportional to the cost of the floor covering. Religion is man's attempt to communicate with the weather. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Diamond: A chunk of coal that made good under pressure. Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street. I never met a carbohydrate I didn't like. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Every time I start thinking that the world is moving too fast, I go to the Post Office. A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him. The other queue always moves faster. It takes two to make a marriage succeed and only one to make it fail. Before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads. To error is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. If you wish to please people, you must begin by understanding them. Our computer doesn't actually do anything, its just there to blame for our mistakes. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you. Bring back the Sixties. To be a good gardener you need a sense of humus. The trouble with political jokes is they get elected. Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you snore alone. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what is going on. Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail. There is no good time. #donated by Jock Noble Don't let yesterday take up to much of today. The difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman is that the used car salesman knows when he's telling lies. Cheer up, you'll soon be dead. Necessity: A luxury you bought on credit. Dead people are cool. If you're not confused, you're misinformed. Be saftey conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents. Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them. #donated by Peter Lamb Awkward Age: The period lasting from birth until death. The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. Classical music is the kind that you keep thinking will turn into a tune. The best way to win an argument is to start by being right. Politics is the art of the possible. Old doctors never die. They just lose their patients. Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away. Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. If you think your wife's jewellery is an investment, try selling a few pieces. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. Racial prejudice: A pigment of the imagination. Work hard for eight hours a day, and eventually you may become a boss and be able to work twelve. Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport. To entertain some people all you have to do is listen to them. Anyone that goes to a psychiatrist needs their head examined. If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower. Plan for the future, because that is where your going to spend the rest of your life. Genius is born, not paid. The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you're finished. Quasimodo - that name rings a bell. No one ever hurt their eyes by looking at the bright side of life. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. Jury: Twelve people who determine which side has the best Lawyer. Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives. Drink wet cement and get really stoned. These pills can't be habit-forming; I've been taking them for years. The best-laid plans of mice and men are in the files SOMEWHERE. If somebody tries to explain something to you and you still don't understand, that is not your fault. It is his. It takes two to make a marriage: A girl and her mother. A Black Belt is a person who holds life and death in their hands - and can choose either. #donated by Stephen Sonsie Irish cocktail: A pint of Guiness with a potato in it. If you have always done it that way, it's probably wrong. How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? I'm as pure as the driven slush. The fundamental problem of representative government is that the people who would be best for the job least want it, and vice versa. Manuel rules, Oh - Que? If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women. Those who aspire to a place in the sun must expect blisters. Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got. Recursion: see Recursion. All this beer drinking will be the urination of me. Sudden prayers make God jump. Smart people speak from experience. Smarter people, from experience, don't speak. Collision: What happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian. Beware of half-truths - you may have the wrong half. Psychology: Getting habits out of a rat. Justice is truth in action. Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality. A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on. The only thing I ever learned from experience was that I'd just made another mistake. To be rich is not the end, but only a change of worries. Anybody that hates children and dogs can't be all that bad. Flower Power rules, bouquet. Persuasion rules OK - just this once? Experience is what enables you to make the same mistake again without getting caught. Amnesia rules, O... The best things in life are duty free. Join the Hernia Society. It needs your support. Sign on Antique Shop: Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away. All you need is love. All men are equal, but some are more equal than others. He that has many friends, has no friends. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. A piece of wire cut to length will be too short. Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver. I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it. My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. #donated by whats his name? Even bargains cost money. Willpower is the ability to eat ONE salted peanut. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Life is just a bowl of toenails. Absolute zero is cool. The only way to make something completely foolproof is to keep it away from fools. Rush hour: The hour when the traffic is almost at a standstill. Dyslexia lures, KO Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm. Life can be tragic - here today, here tomorrow. Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of. Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers. To do anything worthwhile you have to push limits. Existentialism has no future. Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process. Violence is the language of the illiterate. The only people who never fail are those who never try. General notions are generally wrong. #donated by Rob Rankin Remember that failure is when you give up. If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles. There is no education like adversity. An oak tree is just a nut that held its ground. Nobody can bring you peace but yourself. I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally. Little white lies are for golfers. No family should ever attempt a car trip if the children outnumber the windows. The shortest distance between two points depends on who is giving the directions. It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. To have a friend, be a friend. Democracy is the least satisfactory form of government, except for all the others. He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. If you have to ask yourself whether your happy, your not. Remorse is the period between one hangover and another. I went to a restaurant that was so expensive that they didn't have prices on the menu - just little faces with varying expressions of horror. It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail. A politician is an acrobat - he keeps his balance by saying the opposite of what he does. Youth is a wonderful thing. It's such a shame its wasted on the young. As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it. If I hurry I'll be late. Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long time. He that has no children brings them up well. The future belongs to those who believe in the Beauty of their dreams. Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. The most difficult thing is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you. When did a lawyer ever file a brief that was? Keep death off the roads. Drive on the pavement. Love is a many-gendered thing. Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls. The only job where you start at the top is digging a hole. Standing on your dignity is a very insecure footing. Stamp out quicksand. Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. Don't believe in superstition - it brings bad luck. Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind. Not enough is being done for the apathetic. Procrastinate now! Vampires are a pain in the neck. Old professors never die. They just lose their faculties. Knowing your destination is half the journey. Small is beautiful. Home: A place where a man can say what he likes, because no-one listens to him anyway. The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. The most gratifying feature about death is that you won't have to get up in the morning. The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and the lesson afterwards. The first lesson in self defence is to keep your glasses on. Macho does not prove mucho. In chaos lies opportunity. Journalists are born. Why, nobody knows. Estate agents have two types of house. The ones you don't want and the ones you can't afford. Happiness is no laughing matter. I wish I were what I was when I wished I were what I am now. Self-made men can be glaring examples of unskilled labour. There are three sorts of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who never knew what hit them. Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret. Beware the man who slaps you on the back - he is probably trying to make you cough up something. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. Edison All's well that ends. Never hit a man when he's down. You may find he's bigger than you when he gets up. Sterility is hereditary. Add you quote in here http://www.grutz.com.au/wisdom.htm #Donated by Dougal Plummer I think, therefore I'm not a politician. When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them. Diplomat: an unwise thing to call "Knuckles" Lomat. Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Einstein The graveyards are full of indispensable men. Yorick is a numb skull. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. I bet you I could stop gambling. One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you're always making exciting discoveries. Many a man has caught his death of a cold getting up in the middle of the night to go home to his wife. My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours. The days of good English has went. Boys will be boisterous. We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow; Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so. Pope Adults are obsolete children. Dr Seuss All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. A committee is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean. A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better. If you give a woman an inch she'll park a car in it. As long as you can still be disappointed you are still young. Two people in every one are schizophrenic. The upper crust are just a bunch of crumbs sticking together. Celibacy is not hereditary. Absurdity: A statement of belief inconsistent with one's own opinion. The shortest perceivable length of time is the period between the light turning green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn. A pessimist is somebody who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks. Stop the world, I want to get off. No good deed goes unpunished. Living in the lap of luxury isn't bad, except you never know when luxury is going to stand up. Power corrupts - absolute power is even more fun. There's one good thing about baldness. It's neat. Sycophancy rules - if it's OK by you. It is better to forget, than remember and regret. Spanish punks rule, ole! I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be. Jesus Saves - but Maradona scores on the rebound. #donated by Aaron Spells Mrs. Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong it will, while HE'S out of town. Please don't throw your cigarette butts on the floor - the cockroaches are getting cancer. If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants outside his trousers? #donated by Kevin Hadley Bureaucracy rules. If its OK with the boss. There will be no judges, only witness's to your glory. #donated by Nick Mullins I love mankind, it's people I can't stand. Why is the King of Hearts the only one without a moustache? Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore and that's what parents were created for. Consensus rules - if that's OK with you. Sometimes the message has to be blunt so you will see the point. None as so old as those that have outlived enthusiasm. Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have just before you fall flat on your face. What this country needs is someone who knows what this country needs. In any organisation, everyone rises to the level of his own incompetence. Letter to a friend from a man in a diet clinic: Help! Send me a file with a cake in it. Examine what is said, not him who speaks. Women who seek equality with men lack ambition. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need one. Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. I am not young enough to know everything. Jack and Jill did it for the insurance. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Before honour is humility. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Tell the truth, and so puzzle and confound your adversaries. Only a mediocre person is always at his best. Lions 7, Christians 0. You know, she speaks ten languages, and she can't say 'NO' in any of them. Happy is the man who can make a living from his hobby. If you explain something so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. Anarchy, no rules, OK? Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Be nice to people on the way up, because you may need their help on the way down. Some people are like blisters. They never appear until the work is done. Just think - maybe the Joneses are trying to keep up with you. Fighting for peace is a contradiction in terms. One of these days is none of these days. No one gets into trouble without his own help. All generalisations are dangerous, even this one. A friend is a person that knows everything about you and still likes you. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. #donated by Jack Szewach The day will happen whether or not you get up. Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. Owing to lack of interest tomorrow has been cancelled. The grass is always greener on the other fellow's grave. Democracy is too good to share with just anybody. A formal briefing is like an avalanche. A high level snow job of massive and overwhelming proportions. Conscience: The thing that makes you tell your wife before somebody else does. Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Don't mark the spot where you bury the hatchet. Greater than the tread of mighty armies is an idea whose time has come. Success has ruined many a good man. For successful propaganda you need proper geese. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Australian Rules Football may best be described as a game devised for padded cells, played in the open air. When I'm good I'm very good, and when I'm bad I'm better. #donated by Fiona Lock A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat. Why does a dentist ask you if it hurts only when you can't answer? To do nothing is the way to be nothing. Silence is better than unmeaning words. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.